I’m not home

My posts on this blog are so rare that I always contemplate deactivating this blog. What I read through the older posts are not simple texts but feelings poured through the keyboard.

I never liked over-sharing as much as I comfort people close to me to let it all out and tell me everything. If something, I’m a great listener and that’s one side of myself that I grew to appreciate so much more lately.

Half a year ago I came back to my home country, just as I promised I would. However, there is something that I never managed to find here. The moment I left this country and promised myself I’d never return, something snapped in me. A connection I never thought would be severed so easily.

I’m not home. I don’t feel at home here anymore. I don’t have what I need here. I’m not happy here as much as I could be.

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Back on track.


I am sitting at the kitchen table in a loose white t-shirt, sipping on a glass of the cheapest sweet, red wine I could put my hands on while listening to my favourite music in the background. Life is beautiful tonight.

As the day slipped away, I couldn’t help but think about the many things that have happened in 2016 and these two months that have passed so far from this year.

It’s been a crazy ride for me, with some of the lowest blows, and the highest resurfacing I could have experienced since I can remember. To call it an emotional rollercoaster would be too much of a cliche and it wouldn’t even get close to reality, so I’ll just go with life-changing shenanigans. No? Doesn’t really work, does it? I’ll have to figure out a term for it.

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I’m done.

Contrast. Disbelief. Disappointment. Conflict.

This year I’m quitting my job, moving back home and spending precious time with my friends and family. I’m done regretting what I could have done. I’m done missing out on important things and not being there for when they need me.

A week yesterday the I have lost one of the most amazing man the world has ever had. I flew back home for three days for the funeral and it was only then that I realized what’s at stake.

I’m done… I’ve done enough. I’m spending Christmas with my family this year and as many times needed. I want to be there for them and fly away from cold, heartless people in this side of Europe.

I’m done hoping things are getting any better on this other side. I miss warm, intelligent people and I’m done with selfish, profit-oriented, greedy, superficial ones.

He used to tell me “You know better.”. He helped me leave home by telling me he will break my legs if I ever return, and he’ll help me, at least spiritually, for one last time, to come back home, at peace with myself.

Farewell 1Q…





photo-1429186219543-755f5bfeeef8Sometimes I miss things. Hazardous situations which made me feel uncomfortable now seem to give me a warm feeling of familiar. Places I visited before are blurry, but the most beautiful locations I’ve been given the chance to see. Time has a filter of its own. Continue reading

Big Plans

I realized today that January is almost over, 11 months left to go and that’s it, 2017! I don’t want to be all about clichés but this is it: Time flies.

In my other years, I’d reserve my first month of the year with resolutions and fade promises. I can count at least two years where I promised myself diets and all sorts of ideal, superficial resolutions (2014 and 2013, I’m talking about you!).

They say that women go on as twice as many diets as they have lovers and I think I went over my limit already. In my case though, it’s never been about the actual purpose of losing weight -I’ve grown quite fond of my curves, thank you!-, as much as it was the idea of dealing with a healthier lifestyle. But I realized that I found that balance quicker than expected the moment I started living on my own.  Continue reading

Just for a bit

People say they’d never expected me, the shy, quiet one to take this step. They’d expected me to come back home with my tail all tangled up between my quivering legs, with a satchel of destroyed dreams and a shuddering faith in everything.

I did not have the legal right to work when I came here. I was sent from one part to the other and rejected just for not having the same rights as everyone else. I was an outsider, a worthless, still green for them. My 3 year’s worth of teaching experience was deemed useless.

However, I left home with acceptance letters from two big universities. I came here with that excuse, with the main goal to become a writer.

I stopped writing altogether. I formed a thick skin and opened my eyes to things around me. I stood up as many times as I could and I’m tired of constantly trying to dodge polite people.

My father told me one day when I was around 10 years old that people with teary eyes are people why daydream a lot. I wish I could daydream some more. Maybe just for a bit longer…

I’m strong but so tired.


Momentan insa, nu.

Foarte rar simt nevoia sa ma exprim in limba romana. Atat de rar incat uneori simt cum pierd cuvinte, sensuri si chiar ma blochez cand vad scris un cuvant anume.

Nu am ajuns in punctul in care sa vorbesc jumatate in romana si cealalta in engleza, si intre noi fie vorba, nu as dori sa ajung in punctul ala, dar am invatat sa nu judec persoanele care nu isi mai gasesc cuvintele dupa o perioada de timp.

Poti sa-i spun nostalgie, poate doar un moment, insa imi este dor sa vorbesc in limba romana. In pauza de masa imi place sa merg la un magazin aparte din centru, unde majoritatea sunt romani. Imi place sa stau de vorba cu fetele care servesc acolo. Nu sunt subiecte cu subinteles sau discutii adanci despre sensul vietii, sunt pur si simplu mici conversatii despre diverse.

Si uite-asa imi este dor de blocurile noastre de 4/8/10 etaje care impanzeau Bucurestiul, mi-e dor de oamenii cartita si de vecinii care isi renoveaza constant casa cu bormasina. As fi vrut si eu sa fiu langa voi cand l-ati votat pe Iohannis si cand oamenii au iesit in strada. As fi vrut sa simt energia orasului in clipele alea. As fi vrut sa nu pierd doua Craciunuri departe de casa si sa impodobesc bradul impreuna cu parintii mei. Vreau sa ma trezesc intr-o dimineata torida in mijlocul verii si sa plimb catelul. Vreau o seara la Karaoke in Bastards unde nimanui nu ii pasa de nimic. Mai vreau sa pot merge intr-un local si sa nu ma tem ca o sa ajung pe prima pagina a ziarului local. Vreau oameni frumosi, inteligenti.

In vest nu gasesti caldura de acasa, din nici un punct de vedere. Sper la o schimbare si un motiv sa ma intorc acasa.

Momentan insa, nu.